I Was Desperately Seeking God — Not a Guru

“You need a living saint to find God.”

That was the line that hooked me.

I had been searching for God for over a decade. Then suddenly one day a person dressed from head to toe in bright orange made this statement to me with utmost confidence.

I’ll admit I was in a vulnerable place in an otherwise self-assured life. I was also in desperation mode, needing an answer to an eternal question: How does a human being find God in this world?

With some skepticism, but also great hope, I entered a path led by a guru named Prakashanand Saraswati. Over the years, he stressed several points over and over again such as:

• A guru is the medium between a soul and God.
• A soul must surrender 100 percent to a guru to receive entrance into the divine world.
• A soul must never question any action or instruction from a guru.

However, I also learned from other sources that in Hinduism the guru-disciple relationship is a sacred bond of trust, where the guru gives spiritual wisdom out of his or her benevolent nature (heavy with God’s love), and the disciple receives this gift with a feeling of extreme humbleness and gratitude. In this exchange, the guru stands out of the way so God can grace each soul.

If I had experienced that guru-disciple relationship at JKP-Barsana Dham, I would have cherished it with my complete heart and soul until my dying day. But I experienced something very different, including a guru’s ego, anger, lust, lies, desire, abuse, and more.

Later this month a movie will be released in the U.S. that lampoons the notion of gurus in America. Even with my bad experience at the hands of a guru, I cringe when watching the movie’s previews. I’ve read that some Hindu groups are angry and trying to censor the movie.

But, like Freedom of Religion, the U.S. guarantees its citizens Freedom of Speech. So the movie will likely go on as planned by Hollywood. I think that it will slightly skew the average American’s view of gurus, because, like myself so many years ago, most citizens of this country have no understanding of the role of gurus in Hinduism.

Actually, I envy their innocence. While it’s true that they may never understand what a truly pure guru-disciple relationship offers a soul, they also will never know what it’s like to be utterly taken advantage of in uncountable ways by fake gurus. Mercifully, they will be spared that pain.

Today I am seeking God directly without the interference of any phony spiritual teachers — and I feel now that I am closer than ever to the Divine world.

Best to all seekers of God’s omnipresent love, FreedomWriter (Janisha)

Only God Knows Why I Joined a Cult

In the weeks and months I spent trying to wrap my mind around the awful truth that I had joined a cult, I found spiritual guidance in the most unexpected places — like popular music.

One day while trying to make sense of my new reality, I heard a song on the radio that spoke to my confusion and pain. It was Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows.” These lyrics, in particular, stood out:

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody’s got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

At JKP-Barsana Dham, they taught us that we are in a boat in the middle of the vast ocean of maya. And unless we let the guru become our captain and steer our boats, we could not make it to the Divine shore. It might be true that you need a guru: But, if it is, you most certainly do not need one who lies to you.

Not too long after that I heard one of Bob Dylan’s classic songs, “Things Have Changed.” A part of the lyrics spoke directly to my present situation (still inside, but planning to get out) and my new attitude (empowered in the face of the crushing truth) about this organization:

(I’m) Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

An interesting — and telling — thing about these lyrics is that one day I recited one of the lines while among a group of devotees. Everyone was complaining about some difficult and conflicting aspect of our lives in the ashram. I said, “I used to care, but things have changed.” I was surprised when everyone within earshot seemed to understand exactly what I meant. This confirmed to me that, indeed, almost everyone did know “that the captain lied.”

Then I heard one of Kid Rock’s ballads on the radio: “Only God Knows Why.” This song instantly became the theme song of my life at that time. I logged into the YouTube video and listen to it over and over. These lyrics rang remarkably true for me:

It’s been so long since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Somehow I know there’s more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been giving, just ain’t been getting
I’ve been walking that there line
So I think I’ll keep on walking
With my head held high
I’ll keep moving on and only God knows why

These lyrics not only spoke to my life at that time, but also soothed my aching soul. They spoke to the fact that I had been out of the relatively safe world and in this unsafe cult for far too long; that I had been giving and giving to this organization, but receiving nothing in return (namely, the Divine Love the gurus promised); and that I had finally come to my senses and was moving on.

But this song also spoke to the fact that I still didn’t understand why I had to go through the experience of living in a cult — in fact, it made me realize that only God knows why.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you can find spiritual guidance in so many places — except where you are looking for it?

How I Learned I Was in a Cult — It’s My Anniversary!

It was exactly one year ago today (Friday, May 25th, 2007) that I learned I was in a cult.

After years of believing I was on a pure and true spiritual path, it was a huge blow to learn the truth.

It all started when devotees of JKP-Barsana Dham were gathered together for a meeting and told that the main guru on the path, who was in the middle of his second “world tour,” had been arrested in Trinidad one week ago on May 18th. The word we were told was “assault.” We were told very few details. And we were told not to talk about the event or go on the Internet to learn more.

Although, according to them, to be a good devotee and attain God realization you have to follow the leaders every instruction without question, this time I decided I had to know more. I just knew there was a lot they were not telling us and, clearly, did not want us to know. After the meeting I went straight to my computer and Googled “Kripalu Maharaj” and “arrest.” The first thing that popped up was an article stating that he’d been arrested for “rape.” Can you imagine the shock?

Why they used the word “assault” instead of “rape” makes no sense to me. After all, according to the FBI, an assault is a crime that technically means “an unlawful attack by one person upon another for the purpose of inflicting severe or aggravated bodily injury.” Both assault and rape are listed in the same crime category: violent crimes. They might as well just have been honest with us and told us the truth.

But from that day forward I learned that truth was not a strong suit of JKP-Barsana Dham. Along with over one dozen news reports on the rape, I read thousands of comments from people telling shocking stories about this organization that you don’t read about in its vast range of promotional materials or hear about from its spokespeople.

Among the things I learned are that Kripalu had been arrested for rape charges in India in the early 1990s. Also many women were saying they have known about his behind-closed-doors activities for decades. And people were revealing that Swami Prakashanand Saraswati also has his own secrets to hide. I had a few of my own experiences and had heard several stories over the years. But because I was sincerely seeking God realization above anything else, I pushed disturbing information out of my mind and lived in denial.

After learning of the rape, I spent some time trying to give the organization the benefit of the doubt. But the crack in the façade started to reveal other secrets about disturbing, non-spiritual things that had been going on for years. All of these revelations confirmed for me that this organization is not what it claims to be publicly.

I’ll report on the truths that I have learned about the JKP organization in upcoming posts on this blog.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences about the other side of this organization. This blog is going to be at least one safe place for us to finally speak out.

Freedom Writer (aka Janisha)

Every Person Deserves to Have a Voice — Speak Out Here

Many people have been hurt by a professed spiritual organization known as JKP-Barsana Dham. JKP stands for Jagadguru Kripalu Parishat. Many of us have tried to tell our stories and share our thoughts on other blogs recently, but have been abused, ridiculed, and drowned out by the JKP damage-control machine.

This will be one place that we can tell the other side of the story of this organization — the one it doesn’t promote in its brochures or on its many Web sites. This will also be a place for people who didn’t experience the dark side of JKP, but who have doubts or thoughts to share. It will not be a place to merely badmouth the organization: But to share real experiences, constructive criticism, and helpful advice to recovering abuse victims.

I was inspired to start this blog by the people who recently tried to share their thoughts about the other side of the JKP-Barsana Dham story on other blogs. Some of us were discouraged when a couple of the blogs (but not all) were shut down. I will regularly post my thoughts and knowledge about JKP-BD and any news that is out there. I will manage all comments and keep out all of the abusive comments,  JKP self-promotions, and JKP blind defenders — after all, we’ve all heard enough of that.

Please share here. You deserve to have a voice — and we owe it to ourselves and the world to tell them the other side of this story.